The Red Herring

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Anecdotes from the Developed World

I. Once there was a college student that went to a local health clinic to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. After only two days, the test results came back and were negative. The student tried his best though, and that’s all that matters.
II. There was once a baby who suckled a teat and could find no milk. The breast was not dry due to lack of nourishment, but because it belonged to a fat, fat, man.
III. Once upon a time there was a woman who was considered by her country’s government to be so equal a person that she carried out her entire life without ever being denied the right to vote, go to university, or become a doctor. After nearly a decade of government-subsidized tier-one training, she became a gynecologist and performed multiple abortions every day for the rest of her career in a safe, sterile environment.
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Real Life Tragedies

Piss in Boots
I was too young to actually remember this story, but my family tells it so often it’s created a memory. One day when I was really little I decided I wasn’t going to wear anything except for my dad’s rubber boots. So I walk out into the kitchen to show off my new outfit only to discover that my parents had company over. I was so surprised I started to pee. It ran straight down my leg and into the boots. I shuffled back out of the room with pee sloshing around my ankles.

Dumpster Wading
In grade five my mom was on this health kick and I wasn’t allowed to eat anything with sugar. Absolutely anything. At recess one day I saw this doughnut sitting just on the edge of the garbage can, like baaarely touching it. So, like any sugar starved ten-year-old, I picked it out and ate the damn thing. The nickname Garbage Picker has stayed with me.
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The Professor X Column: Silly Kids, Elections are for Rabbits!

Alright kids, time for a lesson in the power of media. You may not know it right now, but you’re little more than cognitive automatons, pre-conditioned by someone else to accept or reject information presented to you. You see, before World War II (that, for you freshmen, was the last big one, 1939-45 - and for the Americans among you, that’s not a typo or a mistake), the wisdom was that any organization that wanted to control public opinion should try to control what information people were exposed to. That pretty much meant only governments even tried. Radio airwaves and newspapers were subject to censorship, and some governments went to great lengths to make sure their citizens never saw certain news items, or never read certain subversive books. During the war, various governments invested enormous resources into the latest technology and police techniques to try and catch people in the treasonous capital offense of listening to the wrong radio station. Read more…

The Salvia Vignettes

Steve arrived home from school excited and expectant. He wanted to get high. He appreciated his roommate Josh because he always had a joint waiting. Josh was someone Steve could count on.

Today was different though. There was no weed. Josh was sitting on the couch watching Maury Povich, sober. Steve was visibly dismayed, and Josh, realizing his mistake, remembered that he had some salvia in his bedroom. Running to get it, he offered half of it to Steve. Not feeling too psychedelic, Steve declined. But Josh, having become quite enthusiastic over the possibilities of tripping, continued. He sat down in front of Maury and proceeded to smoke all of the Salvia.

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Steve’s Monthly ‘Too Offensive for The Red Herring’ Red Herring Article

Editor’s Note: The editors of The Red Herring would like to apologize beforehand for this article due to its offensive and homophobic content. Those responsible for it have been fired. We, here at The Red Herring, in no way condone this article or discrimination against homosexuals (not that’s there’s anything wrong with that). Shit! That wasn’t worded well. What we meant to imply was that there was nothing wrong with being homosexual, not that there was nothing wrong with discriminating against them.

Heather Munroe-Blum’s Note: McGill University would like to apologize for the offensiveness of the above editor’s note. Those responsible for it have been fired. We would like to take this opportunity to apologize again to the LGBT community and anyone who may have been offended. The owners of The Red Herring have assured me personally that they fully support gay rights and have nothing against homosexuals. Except maybe Andy Dick-that guy’s a real asshole.
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Hip Hop Haikus

I.
Sometimes mo’ cash flow
can bring mo’ men to your life.
Watch out for problems.

II.
Dear Ms. Jackson,
I’m sorry for what I did.
Sincerely, Andre.

III.
Like a lollipop.
How many licks does it take?
Small discrepancy.
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The Diary of Reginald van Guard: Poacher Extraordinaire

When last I visited the continent of Africa, I found it an absolutely marvelous experience. The very first thing I did when I entered the village was to sneeze on my assistant. Then, with little else to do, I went poaching.

We van Guards don’t hunt like the average colonialist. Rather than choose one gun and painstakingly sling it across our own back, we employ the use of caddies, who can carry many guns. My rifle-bag is predominately composed of crocodile leather, save the strap, which is anaconda skin.

I don’t miss much, but if I do, the blame is laid squarely on the sinewy shoulders of my caddie. I have little tolerance for failure, and those that underachieve are quickly released from my services and black-listed from employment up and down the coast. This is nothing to lament, for local caddies from generational gun-caddie families are as abundant as anaconda skin in this region.

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A-Rod Starts Smoking Marijuana to Draw Attention Away from Steroid Scandal

New York, NY – In recent sporting news, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has started publicly smoking marijuana in order to distract the press from the current scandal around his steroid use. “People might get on me for this,” said Rodriguez, “but at least they’ll stop being a**holes about the steroid stuff.”

Rodriguez has attempted to employ a relatively straightforward and logical tactic. In a bit of a bait and switch, Rodriguez has decided to take people’s minds off the one drug that would keep him out of the Hall of Fame, and channel their judgments onto a drug that might very well land him in jail. Read more…

The Red Herring 2008/2009 Financial Summary

As is legally required of us at the end of every school year, below is a detailed summary of our 2008/2009 financial expenditures and activities, available for public access. As per the results of SSMU v. The Red Herring [2006], we are obligated to disclose not just actual spending and revenues, but speculative and/or suggested sources of income and expenses as well. Our lawyers would like it to be known that, we, the editors of this magazine, only recently became aware of the audio-recording equipment that was installed by SSMU in our office earlier this year. Additionally, we were uninformed of the legally binding status of any speculations or suggestions that were picked up on these recording devices.

The Red Herring Fundraising Events:
-    $1000/plate “War Orphans Dinner”
-    The Red Herring’s 1st Annual End of Winter Mystery-Meat-Acue (RHMMQ)
-    Donkey Show
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True Nature: Undermining 18th Century Heteronormativity in Wordsworth’s “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud”


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