The Red Herring

The Importance of Being Coolest

Everyone seems to be talking about global warming these days. It’s everywhere, even in North Korea (though limited to private conversations). And while global-warming-mania sweeps the globe, more and more people are asking themselves what they can do to help prevent further catastrophe. Now, I’m no Sierra Club member - I hate the environment, always messing up my camping plans - but I believe the solution to our planet’s hot flashes is right beneath our noses.

Researchers and environmentalists around the world are urging people to become cooler in an effort to counter the global rise in temperature. According to the “Danza-Boggart” hypothesis, global warming is the result of a severe lack of coolness on the part of the human population, as measured in the SI unit Burt Reynoldgrams (BRG). In response to this, many people are asking “What is cool, anyway?” On behalf of The Red Herring, I set out to answer that question by interviewing the coolest man alive, one James Byron Dean. Once I realized he was dead (and apparently has been for over fifty years), I went to the next best thing: storied Red Herring contributor and self-proclaimed Son of God Hayden Simpson. This was my first interview, and I was nervously atwitter in the presence of such a charming rascal. Armed only with my tape recorder and homemade apple turnovers, I sat down with the legendary Jazz Rock inventor and purveyor of unbiased prejudice. Below is the unedited transcript of my electrifying conversation with the man, the legend, Hayden Simpson:

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Hayden Simpson for The Red Herring: Hayden, in your own words, define what it means to be cool.

Hayden Simpson, Hombre Extraordinaire: Beat poetry, Marlboro Reds, and Gold Bond Body Medicated Powder for your Johnson. You’ve gotta get Cool from the mind, the body, and the soul.

RH: That’s it?

HS: No! It isn’t that simple. There are moustaches, toilet seats, and air conditioning. Okay, I think that’s it. Wait! I almost forgot about existentialism.

RH: What about personality? Doesn’t being Cool have anything to do with who you are?

HS: I thought I made that clear when I listed moustaches! Come on, let’s try to keep this professional. This isn’t the O’Reilly Factor.

RH: Sorry, but I heard that being Cool is all about not trying to be Cool.

HS: What the fuck? Whoever told you that is just trying to keep you from being Cool. It’s an exclusive club. Who said that?

RH: Uhhh, I think it was Sean Turner.

HS: Sean Turner?

RH: Yeah, you know the guy from the bathroom sta—

HS: I know who Sean Turner is. He doesn’t exist, like the Easter Bunny, or an Engineering student with a bikini wax.

RH: [awkward silence broken by the sounds of someone shuffling in their seat] Let’s move on. You mentioned existentialism earlier; how does that fit into your conception of Cool?

HS: First, this isn’t just my conception of Cool. As far as I’m concerned, this is universal. But to answer your question, existentialism is pretty big. I mean, how else are people going to know you’re cool unless you blatantly misquote Nietzsche or Sartre?

RH: What about the poetry or the Gold Bond powder? For your Johnson?

HS: Huh? Oh…ummm….[vigorous shuffling and anxious breathing] I was…but uh….what I meant to say was when you’re talking to someone on the telephone. Penis powder is great for more intimate contact, but if you’re talking to your aunt on the phone and you drop a Kierkegaard reference, she’ll know you’re Cool. She doesn’t have a choice!!! [sound of a fist smashing against a table, followed by low sobbing]

RH: Erm… could you give me an example?

HS: Sure. I love this line from Kierkegaard: “At the bottom of enmity between strangers lies indifference…and enmity.”

RH: That doesn’t make sense.

HS: Well, you just aren’t thinking about it the right way.

RH: Oh?

HS: You see, existentialism is like a Magic Eye picture. When you first look at it, it doesn’t make any sense, but once you’ve labored over it long enough, you suddenly realize that it’s a fucking waste of time!

RH: I’m not sure I catch your drift.

HS: That’s because you ain’t cool. Now scat.

RH: I don’t know to put this but… I am you.

HS: Go fuck yourself.

RH: Will do. [faint sounds of heavy breathing and occasional snorts]

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Mr. Simpson’s definitive understanding of Cool may be our only weapon in the fight to destroy global warming. All we have to do is put a bit of effort and we can protect our planet’s environment. After all, anyone can be cool; all you have to do is try really, really, really hard. Just ask anyone in the faculty of Management!

- Hayden Simpson

The Red Herring Web Edition

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• Posted on April 7th, 2008
• Written by editorial staff
• Articles, Hayden Simpson, Web-only