20 Interesting Facts Aboot Canadians
1) Canadians have over a hundred words for snow.
2) Canadians hunt in packs.
3) Canadian children as young as ten or eleven will have a glass
of maple syrup with dinner.
4) It is forbidden for a Canadian to sing the national anthem in
fewer than two languages.
5) Canadian food, while culturally distinctive and startlingly
original, does not exist.
6) Canadians employ a variety of ingenious devices to ward off
the cold, among which are sealskin coats, igloos, and a steady
consumption of both beer and marijuana.
7) Canadian winters last much longer than they actually do.
8 ) Most English Canadians make a concerted effort to learn
French in the eventuality that they are one day transferred to
Paris to work as an attaché or something. Or maybe Nice.
Nice would be good too.
9) “Le vote ethnique” and “l’argent” are often cited by Quebec
sovereigntists as the only 2 reasons they can’t get laid.
10) Locals affectionately abridge the word “Canada” to “Toronto.”
11) Interestingly, Toronto is the only city on earth completely
devoid of any meaning or purpose.
12) Most historians trace the moment of Canada’s true inception
not to the confederation of 1868 or even to the battle of
Passchendaele in World War I, but rather to the first time Jim
Carrey hit the $20 million-per-picture mark.
13) A major contribution to engineering, the Canadarm is a
source of national pride for its artful integration of the word
“Canada” and the word “arm”. You know, because they both
have an “a.”
14) Ottawa is the second-coldest capital city, just behind that
rebel base in The Empire Strikes Back.
15) Yes, Ottawa is the capitol of the country. We’re not proud of
it, but, well, there you are.
16) All major Canadian newspapers are controlled by one very
polite media conglomerate.
17) Canadian national identity has been created entirely by
Molson advertising campaigns.
18) Canadians have a number of words for aboriginal peoples,
including “Indians,” “Natives,” and “First Nations.” None of
these terms changes the fact that Europeans took all their
shit and raped their land.
19) Most famous Canadians do not in fact live in Canada.
20) Overall, Canadians are kind of like Russians, just with
more money and less invasions by the Tartars.
- Adam Ryan
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 5
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