Have Arts Degree, Will Grovel
Reply to: job-563238888@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-04, 10:33PM EST
writer needed.
I need a writer to write a short story about me driving in a lamborghini with the top down eating tons of food, with a hot naked girl. if you are interested, please send me a short sample of your writing. please write a couple paragraphs about me driving in a lamborghini with the top down eating tons of food with a naked girl. If i like what you send i will commission you to write the full piece. about ten to twenty pages. i will pay twenty dollars per page.
—————————————-
From: Edward Petrenko <bargainbasement@monster.ca>
Date: Feb 6, 2008 2:31 PM
Subject: Re: Writer needed
To: job-563238888@craigslist.org
Hey, I saw your craigslist posting, and thought I’d try my hand at writing about Lamborghinis, eating lots of food, and hot naked chicks – my three passions, by divine providence. Here goes…
I’ve always been a man of large appetites.
Even back when I was a kid, barely big enough to hold a fork, I speared
every morsel I could get that giant, stainless rake near. You sat next to me, you sat in front of an empty plate, my friend - no ifs, ands or buts. You’d think that living a whole life like that would leave you fat and alone, but oh no sir, quite the opposite. This hunger, this heroic voraciousness, it drew everything it could consume towards me. Like a black hole in a food fight, meals had a way of finding themselves at my mercy, almost as if by fate.
But my appetite didn’t just increase over time - no sir, it diversified. Food, sure, that was easy - but it takes money to get food, doesn’t it? I began to crave money along with food; by the time I was six, I’d stuck a grand total of eight dimes up my nose. Hell, I only ever got three back - now that’s an appetite. Sticking dimes up my nose, then paper route, then landscaping, then highly paid internships, then the world - the more I got, the more I wanted, and the more I got.
And dames? Hoo boy, and dames. Never stuck one up my nose, but hey, the night is young, my friends. There’s something about money and meals that drives ‘em wild, and when you’ve got food and Franklins in spades like I do, it’s just a
matter of time before your Beef Wellington gets, shall we say, a more exquisite garnish than any respectable restaurant would openly provide. The dames may leave an aftertaste sometimes, but there ain’t nothing finer to wash down a big meal,
except maybe money.
So you can understand why, this morning when I passed the Lamborghini dealership, I bought a few - you know, on a whim. I took one then and there, and told them I’d come back for the others. I tore out of the parking lot, and slammed on the brakes. What’s this? A restaurant next door? What are the odds? Pretty damn good - but then, this is me we’re talking about here. I drove on up to the front door, hopped out, ran in and jammed myself behind the nearest booth. It took a few minutes of snapping and whistling, but the waitress showed up knowing she was serving the real deal here. And what a waitress - tasty dish in her own right, I thought to myself. Then I said it. Fast forward ten minutes later - you can see
where this is all heading - and I’m eating through a whole chicken with my hands, driving twice the speed limit with my feet, and ogling with my eyes and this hot, naked babe in the passenger seat.
Like I say, I’m a man of large appetites.
So, uh, yeah – if you like what you see, send money lol!
—————————————-
From: craigslist remailer daemon remailer_daemon@craigslist.org
Date: Feb 6, 2008 11:34 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Writer needed
To: bargainbasement@monster.ca
Sorry, but the craigslist user address you recently mailed (job-563238888@ craigslist.org) does not seem to be valid. It could be you’re trying to respond to a very old posting, or that the user has not requested
anonymous email forwarding. Please check the address and try again.
- Ed Petrenko
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 4
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Mighty Ed Petrenko
Leave a Reply