How To Get An Internet Boyfriend: A Guide From A Seasoned Professional
THE TOOLS
• MSN (global), AIM (American), YahooChat (lame, who has this?), or similar
• 1337 to English dictionary
• 90+ wpm typing skills
• One (1) headshot from the only angle you look good at (probably taken from above), with your arm cropped out (in .jpg format)
• A lot of time, preferably no real boyfriend
• Cats or stuffed animals (something to hug and that will absorb your tears)
OPTIONAL
• Facebook (duh), Friendster (we’re not that old yet, come on), Myspace (your bangs are growing out, stop combing them over so far), or similar
THE PROCEDURE
• Step 1: Obtain the screen name of your future internet boyfriend.
• Step 2: Change your display picture/icon/avatar to the cute headshot.
• Step 3: Send a carefully-worded flirty message to your future internet boyfriend. This is THE most important feature of your soon-to-exist internet relationship. Be sure to include several smilies and winky faces ( ; - ) preferred over : - * because, well, the latter indicates you’re kind of a slut). A good message highlights your shyness (because you don’t usually do things like this), your occasional use of foreign languages (to really hammer in that ditz factor) and your love of good times (read: drinking).
SAMPLE FLIRTY MESSAGE:
Hey Ben,
So, I got your sn (haxxorzmastah10101001? Right?) from Dave. Weird, I know : - /. I just wanted to
say Hi because it would be weird to not know each other but be on each other’s buddy lists, you
know x = )? Anyway, I’m Amanda, (Dave’s roommate’s sister’s roommate). I don’t usually do this, but
I was just chillin with my girliez and we thought your profile was tres funny – how did you manage
to fit so many Simpsons quotes in one window? lol I know it’s not that hard, it was a joke ; - )
Well, ttyl
Amanda <3
*Note the casual reiteration of how you “know” each other. And see the winky face? Not slutty at all. Your future internet boyfriend will love funny girls, so the Simpsons mention is perfect to show him that you know what humor looks like. Remember, the flirty message is about making him respond, so don’t give too much away - your HPV positivity is not only not an issue, but a tool for making your IBF extend the online nature of your relationship. Everyone loves mediated contact with a herpes survivor.
PROCEDURE (continued)
• Step 4: Repeat step 3 for many, many boys. Remember that internet boyfriends are more fun when numerous, and although they leave what can (incoherently) be called a paper trail, they’re more easily hidden from one another than your standard guy- on-the-side.
• Step 5: Giddily await responses.
• Step 6: Continue giddily awaiting responses. Refresh your email inbox page.
• Step 7: Continue giddily awaiting responses. Refresh your email inbox page.
• Step 8: Cry, reassure yourself that life is worth it, squeeze Fuzzypants your stuffed armadillo.
• Step 9: Continue giddily awaiting responses. Refresh your email inbox page.
• Step 10: Feed the cat. Seriously, it’s been days.
• Step 11: Get a fucking life.
- Zoe Daniels
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 4
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Technology (Vol. XIX no. 4), Zoe Daniels
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