In His Really Lame Image
Existentialism posits that it is individuals who are ultimately responsible for the quality of their own lives and not some distant, omniscient deity. This is my last semester here at McGill and accordingly my final chance to submit something to The Red Herring. Why, you ask, have I have only waited until now to write an article for the Herring when I could easily have done so at any earlier point during my undergraduate career? The answer is simple: God told me not to.
I am not a funny person in person. Those of you who have had contact with me have undoubtedly found me dull and fairly unpleasant to be around. I have absolutely no natural ability to make people laugh if you do not factor in my ordinary outward appearance. A popular misconception is that comedians are lazy and that they don’t do anything all day. In my experience, the opposite is true; the best comedians are those who devote their entire days to the mining of comedy gold. They get up in front of a crowd as often as possible and they keep trying to perfect their craft even if they have a bad show. I do none of these things; I am simply a vessel for the Lord to try his hand at getting laughs. Case in point: I have been, as of late, shockingly accident prone, because God wants to practice his slapstick.
That’s right, the Old Testament Lord talks to me. Truth be told, he never shuts up and is annoying as fuck. Have you ever talked to a bad stand-up comedian in person before? It’s exactly like that, but more preachy. He is constantly practicing bits and doing schtick in my ear. Generally speaking, His material is totally whack. He does a clean five minutes that is mainly about airplane food and the difference between the sexes. You would assume that our creator would have a little more insight into the human condition than a cruise ship comedian, but you are sadly mistaken. Not only are his bits lame, but his premises are entirely unbelievable and difficult to relate to as well. “Threat of a giant flood forces one man to fill a boat with two of every species?” Unless it’s an Airbus, I really don’t see anybody putting that much effort into building one single vessel these days. Give me a fucking break! Secondly, his timing is horrendous. Sometimes he will create a joke and then just leave it alone for what seems like forever, never appearing again to nurture his creation or check to see that it hasn’t destroyed itself yet. In addition, his material is hopelessly dated. I mean, no contemporary comedy fan knows what a ‘cubit’ is so give it up already Old Testament God! Divine comedy is ultimately best left to old Italian playwrights, and even then it’s really not that funny.
Now I’m not too worried about receiving his signature wrath because I don’t think he would ever hurt me personally, but he can get really nasty if a crowd doesn’t like the jokes he has prepared. He once plagued a Yuk Yuk’s open mic in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan with locusts and rural Canadians because they didn’t like his observations about bank lines. As a result, comedy for me is a constant struggle to take a bad act, ordained by God, and make it work. I apologize for the quality of this article, but now do you see what I have to work with?
- Duncan Links
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 5
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Duncan Links
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