Inside the Actor’s Insanity: Tom Cruise Edition
The Red Herring has finally matured to the ripe old age of 20. Finally, our dearly beloved satirical rag is old enough to have sex on film, for fun or profit, in nearly every country on earth. This means that if the market for “man-on-magazine” porn is really about to explode in the way experts (read: Germans) have been predicting for years, our little magazine’s funding problems will finally be over.
In honour of the magazine turning 20, I decided to provide the readers of The Red Herring with a 20-year retrospective on my life entitled: “David MacLean: Who the fuck is he and why is he touching himself there?” However, after gathering data (ie. thinking for five minutes about why I totally rock the shit), I realized that my life is filled with a hopelessly small amount of shit-rocking. This is probably due in part to my being raised, ‘til the age of 17, in a small, poorly-decorated tool-shed on the outskirts of an Eastern Siberian dust village. Therefore, instead of a 20-year retrospective on my own life, I’ve decided to hand down a retrospective bestowed upon me, for exclusive use in this issue only, by one Mr. Tom Cruise. You may know him better as “Fuck, not that guy again,” “That giant douche bag,” or simply, “Thom.” The retrospective is in the form of a transcript of a recorded monologue as Tom Cruise is, of course, unable to either read or write.
*Tape starts*
(Five minutes of fumbling as Tom attempts to figure out how to operate the tape recorder)
“Hello, Hello. Darn, this thing, is… Maybe if I… Oh, it’s on, okay. Yeah, so this is Tom. Tom Cruise the actor. No No No No! Let me-let me, rephrase…THAT! Tom Cruise The Scientologist.
(Tom pauses here waiting for a response; we can only assume he’s forgotten that he’s speaking to an inanimate object)
…hahahahahhaha
(Tom laughs for no discernible reason)
I love peanut butter and I love acting so I’m like why not act like…like…like peanut butter!?
(Tom starts clapping his hands together)
I mean let’s…let’s think about this. You and me…YOU AND ME! You’re a tape recorder so what am I? I mean, I know I’m Tom and you’re you, but what is that? Right? RIGHT?
(We have no idea what Tom is talking about)
Man…MAN!! Oprah, she’s great…great Oprah. I love Kate. Hahahahaha
(More laughter; his forehead vein is undoubtedly popping out like one of those big worms in Tremors)
I love her… like seriously.
(The laughter stops and Tom adopts a serious tone)
Listen, I’m going to lay something down, something real, something above all this actor bullshit, like, think of it as a monologue I’d give in Born on the Fourth of July, or Jerry McGuire, or Losin’ It, or no, no, no, Cocktail.
(Tom takes a deep breath)
Don’t take prescribed medication. I read this book once, or well…I saw some pictures and…and…
(Incoherent babbling)
Listen, bottom line, if you don’t take meds you’ll be as real and cool, and, and, and, and HAHAHAHA normal as me, Tom Cruise. I’m a scientologist.”
(More fragmented clapping)
(The rest of the tape goes on to describe Tom’s life from beginning to end. However, while fact-checking, the editors at The Red Herring realized that Tom was simply reiterating the plot of the film Top Gun).
- Dave “White Wine Spritzer” MacLean
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 5
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Dave “White Wine Spritzer” MacLean
Leave a Reply