Just Beat It
Masturbation. No pleas for cuddling, no requests for child support, no awkward questions like “Do you love me?” or “How am I going to get this out of my hair?” Has mankind yet discovered anything quite so fantastic? Today, class, this is the subject at hand.
So you think you’re some kind of pro? Do you really think no one knows that you have Girls Vs. Porpoises Vol. IV safely hidden away in that computer folder you titled ‘School Documents’? Well, I’ve got news for you: your roommates, your significant other, heck, even your mom - they’re all on to you. They check your history folder, they look at your cookies, and they’ve even held a black light over your laptop. Your old excuse about deleting your history every night to conserve disk space isn’t fooling anyone, an unsurprising fact considering how many episodes of 7th Heaven you’ve got stored away in there.
The point is, you need to start thinking outside of the box (no pun intended). (Ed note: She’s lying; that pun was definitely intended). The regular routine is old hat: it’s time to try something new—no more of that boring, amateur crap. The best place to masturbate, besides standing outside the Ellen Degeneres show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen, with its endless supply of lubricants and easy-to-clean surfaces, a place where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich at the same time. Here are just a few of the benefits to ‘kitchturbating’:
GREASING UP:
It’s the mother load - from cooking sprays to chunky peanut butter to Tabasco to Cool Whip. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific, (Ed note: now that pun was unintended)! but if you’ve got a fast hand, it may start to smoke. If that’s the case, you may want to try something that can withstand higher temperatures, like peanut oil or Crisco. Do not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes but this is not a euphemism.
INSPIRATION:
For the ladies there’s the guy on the Brawny paper towels, the Jolly Green Giant, and Mr. Clean. For the fellas you’ve got Mrs. Buttersworth, Betty Crocker, and Aunt Jemima - all of whom are hotties. If you’re a freak there’s Tony the Tiger and the Keebler elves, and if you’re extremely narcissistic and really into irony, there’s the dancing hand from the boxes of Hamburger Helper.
BONUS ITEMS:
Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles; oh my! Rinse them when you’re done or use them for a great coleslaw recipe with your own special tang.
CLEAN UP:
Again, it’s a snap. If you’re real lazy you can do it straight into the dishwasher, but you’re also welcome to take advantage of the sink, trashcan, and oven mitts.
So enjoy yourself, and until next time, bon appétit!
- Eli Keshet
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 5
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Eli Keshet
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