Lazers: Not Just For Killing Aliens Anymore
Laser. You’d think it would be spelt with a ‘Z’, but it’s actually an ‘S’. It should totally be a ‘Z’ though, so for the rest of this article, I will spell it as such. I remember when I fi rst laid eyes on a key-chain lazer pointer. It should have been a great day in my life, but it was so anticlimactic. My Asian friend brought one to school and we played with it. One of our games was to see how long one we could stand aiming the beam directly into our eyes, knowing full-well that we would probably go blind (there was an explicit warning label on the underbelly of the device affirming this possibility – not too surprising, considering it’s a fucking lazer).
I can barely believe that lazers are used to fi x eyes. I’ve tried to imagine many times what an optometrist’s lazer actually looks like. Is it something similar to the Dentist’s X- Ray machine? Or does it resemble a Moonraker lazer gun, the same model Baron Samedi may utilise in, let’s say, multiplayer mode? For this article’s sake, it will resemble the latter. So basically, an eye doctor just packs mad heat and blasts gamma rays at your rods and cones until you can read again. Seems easy enough; I feel I could be an optometrist.
Anyway, the usefulness of these lazer pointers has always evaded me. Apparently they’re used for pointing at shit during a presentation, replacing the stodgy and old-fashioned metre stick. The lazer pointer is superior, supposedly, if you’re ever lecturing to a large crowd with the aid of a projection, one which is too big to be pointed at using a wooden measuring device. That’s all well and good, but herein lies the rub: the projected beam is never that noticeable, and most teachers who try to use them appear to suffer from Parkinson’s disease. Known in the business as “hand tremors,” this lack of motor skill can lead to a disorientating presentation, as the sniper dot never really lands on its marky mark:
“…and over here is Uruguay…”
“Um, sir, is Uruguay in my eye?”
On the topic of useless lazer beams, I truly detest those automated lazer-sensor taps. Every time I go to clean my mitts it takes me over twenty seconds to get a jet of water. You end up moving your hands around under the tap forever, desperately attempting to activate the light-source. Th e same may be said of the new automated toilets that magically sense movement whilst you defecate. It’s as if the engineers of this technology think people become gargoyles the minute they sit down, motionless for the entire process. What about the wipe? I personally stand up to wipe, so the toilet fl ushes on me, and due to the impressive force of the plumbing system, a violent maelstrom splashes all sorts of liquid debris onto my lower cheek/upper hamstring area.
In grade 6, a friend of mine was lucky enough to have a personal lazer-tag kit. While I loved the game itself, I especially liked the sound eff ect for reloading, which was the standard “chk-chick” of a shotgun. It’s a dangerous game, though: one time we were playing lazer tag and an older boy gave me a wedgie of such intensity that my asshole bled. Despite the trauma and discomfort I still associate with it, lazer-tag is an example of lazers put to good use, whereas any lavatory-related lazer technology should be abandoned immediately in favour of traditional methods.
Another great use of lazer beam technology was Jennifer Lopez’ music video, “Waiting for Tonight.” It coincided with the introduction of the lazer pointer to the general public, and was filmed in what looked to be the Amazon rainforest. It was all about a slamming New Year’s Eve party where J-Lo breaks down into a steamy dance solo, delighting boys under the age of twelve everywhere - specifically, boys who were naked on their living room couch after school. In another one of J-Lo’s songs, “Jenny from the block,” the Latino songstress claims that, to her, being real is “like breathing.” The exact lyric is, “And can’t forget to stay real, to me it’s like breathing.” Okay, so that’s how easy it is for her to be real. It’s so easy that it’s a subconscious event, one dictated by her autonomic nervous system. That’s fascinating. I wish I was that real, except to me it would be more like blinking.
- Rupert Common
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 4
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Rupert Common, Technology (Vol. XIX no. 4)
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