Matt’s Travelogue: VERMONT
Did you know that Vermont’s original state constitution had a clause inviting Canada to join them at any time? If you are Canadian, you probably did, given how many times we’ve considered it. I think it is time to again consider this generous offer. Generally, I think we’ve been afraid to ask because we are afraid of rejection: Vermont has it so good, why would they take us? They already have New Hampshire half up their ass.
I know what you’re thinking: we should join Vermont, create a vast maple syrup cartel, and bring the Western world to its knees. But you’re ignoring many other perks. For example, Vermont’s insatiable demand for Subarus has made this pretentious vehicle exceedingly plentiful and cheap there: if we joined Vermont, you could have your very own Subaru! Also, Vermont has been made filthy rich convincing people that watching leaves is entertaining. Did you know that Canada is the Saudi Arabia of leaves? We just need to brand ourselves as “Memories of Vermont” or “Compare with: Vermont” and watch the money flow like maple syrup. Vermont maple syrup. Just make sure we all drive Subarus… and make Howard Dean the King of Canada. Oh yeah, there must also be mandatory abortion. Yes, this is starting to sound convincing.
Besides watching Mother Nature’s symphony of leaves, visitors to Vermont enjoy beautiful vistas of Lake Champlain where they appreciate the glorious routing that the United States of America gave Britain in the War of 1812. Yes, routing - we’ll have to give up some luxuries, such as historical accuracy and not aborting our babies, if we are to join Vermont. Oh, and Howard Dean founded the Hudson’s Bay Company. And discovered insulin.
Anyway, I went to Vermont last weekend and its greatness was as apparent as its complete lack of racial diversity. Clearly, Vermont is the rising star that Canada should hitch its imperialistic wagon to. The timing is perfect: the wicked-low American dollar means that Vermont’s Subarus, Maple Syrup, and Howard Dean bobbleheads are on sale. Now doesn’t that make you feel patriotic?
- Matt Brown
The Red Herring
Vol. XIX No. 4
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Matt Brown
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