Of Moustaches and Men
All I know about existentialism is that people in Cultural Studies throw it around like a Frisbee on the first day of spring. Pffft, Cultural Studies: get over yourselves guys, and stop telling me who directs the movies I watch. Anyway, I’ve been told that this stuffy sounding word has something to do with life, and God, and being self-reflective, so I’ve decided to write about whatever I want.
I recently decided to grow a moustache. It was intended to allow for a more realistic portrayal of my part in a play, but it wasn’t really that effective because in terms of hair-growing ability my face is 9. In order to thicken it up, I applied hefty dosages of mascara to my whiskers. I felt alive.
Although people scoffed at me once the play was finished, I didn’t want to shave. I spent the ensuing Christmas break in Mexico, surrounded by pre-teens with thicker moustaches then me. The embarrassment only fueled my desire.
Upon returning to school I was in another play. This gave me a backup reason to keep the moustache going, as I could still claim that it was for my “character.” This all came to a halt when the director of the play, a mean-spirited, bandana-clad diva, told me the night before our first performance that I looked disgusting and that I had to shave.
This director was not the only person who took offence to my moustache. The young lady who worked at the ticket booth of a concert I once attended told me straight up that I “needed to shave.” This stroppy bitch is an example of a “naysayer,” one who stands in the path of a man in the stages of moustache development and attempts to dissuade them from further growth. The fact is that facial hair is provocative, and people respond to it in a passionate way.
For the most part, women don’t like a man with facial hair. This is why lame-ass, clean-shaven guys with normal haircuts always have girlfriends and the ones with long hair and a beard are homeless. Of course, The Y in this group of vowels is Tom Selleck, who is the Sampson of moustaches. You cut that thing off and he’s toast. In any case, I will now list some types of facial hair and comment upon them:
CHINSTRAPS:
They require far too much attention and are usually sported by UFC enthusiasts or people from Iran. A lot of guys who have chinstraps also have one of their ears pierced and seem to wear way too much lip gloss.
SIDE-BURNS:
There are many types of side-burns, but I will only address two: the curly dark kind that are rectangular and tend to make you look British and really okay with imperialism, and the ones that girls have. Those side-burns are seriously discomforting and confusing. Please ladies, just get some Nair, spread that shit on your burns, and watch them melt away.
NECK BEARDS:
Usually make the person look Amish. Usually the person is blonde. Usually their cheeks are hella rosy. I find neck beards to be the antithesis of chin straps, as they typically reflect a complete lack of care as opposed to meticulous primping, and also because people with rosy cheeks do not dig ultimate wrestling. If you have permanently rosy cheeks it means that you can’t fight and probably smell like whatever brand of laundry detergent your mother buys.
Speaking of laughable cultural practices, life as a single polygamist must be hard. It’s already tough enough being alone in a monogamous culture, but if you can’t get a date in a fundamentalist Mormon community then it must be harsh. We all know that the king pins of these polygamist communities roll with multiple females, but what about good ol’ Joe Mormon? All I can think about is how internet chat rooms could revolutionise the game for these lowly, single polygamists:
polygaMYSTIC69 says: hey, JayHova, in the mood for some of my shepard’s pie??
Jay-H.O.V.A.’s Witness has sent PolgaMYSTIC69 a “nudge”
Jay-H.O.V.A.’s witness says: fuck yeah
MoreManThanYou has entered the chat room
MoreManThanYou has sent PolygaMYSTIC69 a personal message: hey I know ur a dude so get the hell out of this chat room or ill burn down ur farm
SOUL PATCH:
I saw this guy the other day with a soul patch, but it could be more appropriately labelled a soul grow-op. This thing was huge, dominating most of the surface area of his face. The point is, things with soul don’t encroach on spaces, they chill. I felt like a S.W.A.T. team needed to storm onto his chin and hack it all away, then get a bunch of press photos with the mayor next to the seized contraband.
In conclusion, I would like to personally thank old Asian guys that do Tai-chi and don’t bother to clip the hairs sprouting from their huge mole. Why does this happen? I feel like moles are more fertile. The mole on my upper lip is insane like that, just shooting out hair at an alarming rate. Maybe I’m the one that needs Collin Farrell, Michelle Rodriguez, and the rest of the cast of S.W.A.T. to repel down my jaw with an electric Braun razor and just buzz it all off.
- Rupert Common
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 5
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Rupert Common
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