The Red Herring

Steve Jobs: A Closer Look at the Man Behind the Turtleneck

Steve Jobs, the co-founder and CEO of Apple, has spearheaded a company that has produced a significant amount of today’s most influential technology. iPods, iTunes, and iPhones have each revolutionized our lives in a fundamental way. A tumultuous torrent of creativity, there must be more to Steve Jobs than the black turtleneck that he can’t appear in public without. After a painstaking amount of research, I’ve unearthed several anecdotes that paint a more exacting portrait of the man behind Apple.

• While enrolled in Reed College in Portland, Oregon, Jobs was notorious for falling asleep and snoring during class. Once, an Economics Professor confronted the disturbance by smugly commenting, “Steven, you may be an expert in microeconomics, but some of us could use some practice.” Jobs paused for a moment, and then retorted, “Suck my dick, dick-twat.”

• In 1976, Jobs was developing the first Apple computer with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak. After a particularly frustrating workday, Wozniak blurted out, “If I see one more circuit board today, I’ll go crazy.” Jobs picked up their prototype and examined it for a minute or two. “Listen up, shithead,” Jobs finally responded, “If one more peep comes out of your clown-mouth, I’ll fucking bash you with this thing.” He then paused a moment before adding “brutally” and turning back to his work.

• At a press release announcing the release of the then new iMac, a proponent of Apple, the reporter Al Smith, made an inquiry. “How do you think IBM, the most competitive rival company to Apple at this point, will respond to the introduction of this user-friendly technology into the market?” Jobs took a sip of water and took a moment to think. “I think they’ll probably suck some cock… get cock-slammed a little more and then I’ll fuck their wives ‘til they don’t know their faces from their fucks.” Jobs concluded by addressing Smith himself: “You’re a little fucking shit-fuck, aren’t you, cunt? Fucker.”

• In the late nineties, a journalist named Chris- Ann Brennan came forward and claimed that Jobs had fathered her child. After hearing that he was possibly the father, Jobs immediately drove over to Brennan’s house to meet little Lisa, his alleged daughter. When he arrived at the house, he surprised Lisa with a gift: a Golden Retriever puppy. After letting the child play with the puppy for close to an hour, Jobs picked the dog up and said, “Guess what Lisa? I have another surprise for you! Why don’t you look out the front window over here?” All smiles, Lisa rushed to the window and watched as Jobs carried the dog outside and placed it behind the rear-left wheel of his truck. Jobs fired the vehicle up, revved the engine, and repeatedly ran the dog over. He then eagerly walked back into the house to address the mother and daughter. “HeyLisa, you’re not my fucking daughter! You’re not even a human being. You’re worse… you’re a wretched gutter-bastard who deserves even worse than that little dog I just murdered!” On the drive home, Jobs conceived the idea that would later blossom into the first iPod.

- Elias Mason

The Red Herring

vol. XIX no. 4

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• Posted on May 14th, 2008
• Written by editorial staff
• Articles, Elias Mason