The iStick
It seems that everywhere I go these days, there is a technologically obsessed fan-boy shoving a Wired magazine in my face like he just discovered the Rosetta stone. Their eyes sparkle and gleam with joy as they describe progressively thinner LCD TVs and labour-saving mechanisms. “I can’t wait,” they scream in glee as they marvel at the latest electronic banana peeler or clock-and-camera-imbued gramophone.
These people, however, are being misled by the fanatic consumer culture that perpetuates the selling of any device that has the letter “I” in front of an improper noun: iPhone, iPod, iBook, iCondoms, iJello, iGiraffe, and I, Robot. While I extremely enjoy a good Will Smith film, these fragmented sentences make no sense: I phone who?! How can the heartless corporate marketing team at Apple start a sentence, carve it into metal objects millions of times, and never complete it? What does it all mean Apple? I demand to know! If Apple came out with a product called, “iPhone Todd twice daily,” than maybe I’d be a little more open to this new and humdrum trend so casually referred to as “modern technology.” However, they have not, and as a result I only rely on one piece of technology for every facet of my life.
This wonder-device is, of course, the stick. The stick was first used somewhere prior to the Paleolithic era and is arguably better than any invention that has come after it. In other words, since the stick is older than any other technological device it is naturally superior to all of them. This is supported by the most well-known of formulas, which states: “if something is older it is better.” If you need any “evidence” for my “formula,” look no further than Hollywood. Behold the haggard, leather faces of the Douglas family. Kirk Douglas - the older one - is totally badass and Spartacus-y. He probably spends his day scaring people with his grizzled, angry ways. Michael Douglas, on the other hand, through \the use of some sort of witchcraft, convinced Catherine Zeta Jones that she’d be better off grabbing his saggy genitalia than worshipping my own supple and formidable Flesh Temple of Doom. This is an obvious indicator that older things are better: Kirk Douglas is better than Michael Douglas who, somehow, is better than me.
The stick is also superior in its ability to synthesize all the technological fineries that have been produced by society. The iPhone claims that it is a phone, mp3 player, and camera all in one. Well so is the stick. Yesterday, for example, I called my friend on my stick by throwing it at the back of his head and yelling “Hey!” (PHONE) I then took my stick and knocked it against a tree. The resulting sounds were described by passers-by Jay-Z and Dr. Dre as “Slick and Solid Gangsta Beats” (MUSIC PLAYER). Later that day I spotted a bald eagle and decided to take a picture, so I simply bludgeoned the rare bird to death, got it stuff ed, and now it’s on my desk for me to ogle for the rest of eternity (CAMERA). I’d like to see the iPhone take such a realistic three dimensional rendering of an exotic bird. Yes, there might be some people out there clamoring for the latest and greatest devices, but to me they’re all pathetic shiny pieces of garbage compared to my versatile and affordable stick.
- Dave “White Wine Spritzer” MacLean
(Ed. Note: The Red Herring received this submission engraved on a stone tablet, by what appeared to be a stick. When we asked for it in .doc format, Dave threatened to murder a kitten with a stick [GUN]. The article was transcribed.)
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Dave “White Wine Spritzer” MacLean, Technology (Vol. XIX no. 4)
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