The Red Herring Person of the Month: “Jethro” (Real Name Withheld)
Greetings, dear reader, and welcome to another whimsical edition of the Red Herring’s Great Person of the Month series. This month, our person is somewhat of an enigma: a teenage boy who was recently apprehended for an attempted plane hijacking. Certainly fucked up enough to merit Person of the Month status, but it was his post-hijacking plans that make him so Herring-worthy. The teen, who I will refer to as “Jethro,” intended to seize control of the plane for the sole purpose of crashing it into a Miley Cyrus concert. Th is seems to be one of those “shit that writes itself” types of news events, which works well with the “quality” of my writing.
First, a little background on the target: Cyrus, daughter of Achy Breaky troubadour-cum-TV doctor Billy Ray, stars in her own television show on Disney entitled “Hannah Montana.” Now, I know nothing about this show, as I am unable to subscribe to the Disney channel (conditions of my parole), but according to my younger sister it is “totally retarded.” As a natural target of hijacked planes due to her towering, twin talents of “acting” and “singing,” she has enjoyed horrendous amounts of success. Her most recent tour, in fact, has been the source of the most concentrated scalping America has seen since Custer’s Last Stand.
Killing a no-talent child star is a weird one, but it gets even better. Jethro’s plan, as far as I can tell, was to subdue the flight crew and do whatever was necessary to get that plane out of the air using only duct tape and yarn. Fortunately for Hannah Montana-heads everywhere, Jethro was no MacGuyver. Authorities did not say how they discovered Jethro’s plans, but I’m betting it had a lot to do with his sullen demeanor and his personalized “YOU LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE I’M DIFFERENT, I LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE I’M GOING TO CRASH THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE INTO A MILEY CYRUS CONCERT” t-shirt.
Now, there isn’t a whole lot of info available on how he expected the plan to go down, but I figure it’s my God-given right as an American to just make shit up and pass it along as the truth.
BUT WHAT IF:
With his rallying cry of “Fuck you Mom and Dad!,” Jethro leapt from his seat and unrolled about two feet of duct tape, only to have it stick together. As the rest of the cabin chuckled to themselves and remarked, “Boys will be boys,” Jethro pulled out a length of yarn and mercilessly flailed it at the grandmother sitting in seat 23C. As he mildly annoyed the old woman, he began to whine “When will you start taking me seriously? GOD YOU’RE WORSE THAN MY BIO CLASS WHEN THEY ALL LAUGHED AT ME ABOUT MY POKEMON-BREEDING SKILLS!” In a blind rage, he then knitted himself a gun, some bullets, and a voice modulator (allegedly, he felt it would be “totally sweet” to sound like Darth Vader), before descending on the helpless pilots. And that’s when it all started to go wrong…
I’ll leave my interpretation on that note, for fear of getting put on a special list. You bastards know I still need to cross back and forth to America, and I’m sure Homeland Security knows how to use Google.
- Jim Martin
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, James Martin
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