Viva La Cigalution!
In my exponentially expanding list of people/groups that do me great psychological disservice, there is one group that I have been unable to dismantle, destroy, or dismember through the use of my meager vocabulary and crippling condescension: Cigots. Cigots, (aka people against the smoking of tobacco products) have typically never tried whatever they are protesting, but have “done the research” to prove that whatever you are doing is “immoral” or “unethical,” or “bad” (i.e. doctors, fourteen year old girls, members of the ‘Church’ of Scientology). See, the real problem is that their minds have been twisted by the media and national government propaganda, and they now believe that the cigarette industry is, in actual fact, the “cancer industry.” Since when, in this great country of ours (and by ours I mean mine), have we described our industries by their potential consequences and not by some catchy nondescript title? We don’t call the fast food industry the “fat-ass industry” and we don’t call law school the “industry of crushed dreams.”
This being said, however, I must first admit that I really am not much of a smoker. I mostly whip it out at parties to impress the ladies (as I do my juggling skills), but having tasted the sweet tarry nectar of free will, I can certainly sympathise with those tried and true smokers. Last I checked these “smokers” made up an astounding demographic in Montreal, and those who oppose them hide behind things like laws, regulations, and surgeon-generals. I can understand not smoking in buildings, since the anti-cigarette industry (henceforth known as the “industry of intolerance”) has scared the public into believing that second-hand smoke can be detrimental to a person’s health, but my personal favourites (read: bane of my existence) are the signs outside various buildings demanding that all smokers be at least nine meters from a building if they wish to light up. Nine meters? Nine!?! Nine meters away and I’ll be in the “you will get hit by a bus zone.” I don’t even think it’s possible to be nine meters from a building in Montreal, unless of course you want to climb Mont Royal. The evidence clearly points towards the fact that this invisible minority is trying to kill off smokers one at a time, either by excruciating exercise or death by bus.
Worst of all is the overwhelming number of anti-smoking ads on television right now, and if there’s one thing that’s poisoning the minds of the youth (like cigarettes are apparently poisoning my lungs) it’s television. I won’t even get started on the ads where a talking bear suggests that forest fires can be caused by smokers, but I will get started on ads for such products as Nicorette, which encourage smokers to curb their habit by chewing gum or sticking a patch to their arm. There are only two things I’d stick to my arm and both of them are temporary tattoos, preferably of people smoking. What these commercials do is portray those people trying to quit smoking as helpless and un-empowered members of society, thus ensuring that our children never want to become smokers themselves. The real shame is that our children learn to see smoking as a self-defeating process of degradation instead of a way of levelling off the buzz after a night of heavy drinking.
What I’m ultimately getting at is that we the smokers of Montreal, and Canada, and perhaps even North America, need to band together in order to defeat the hegemonic powers that are trying to turn our world into a smoke and smoker free environment (hopefully in a very Ninja Turtle vs. forces of intolerant evil type of way). If God didn’t want us to smoke he wouldn’t have made tobacco plants, and if you don’t believe in God, then how do you explain tobacco plants? This is how it always begins. First they ask us not to smoke indoors, thinking that something as shrug-off-able as extremes in temperature can scare us away and convince us that what we’re doing is wrong. Now they’re trying to kill us by not letting us smoke near any buildings (since it’s recently been proven that 2nd hand smoke, like that chick from the X-Men, can travel through walls…and read your mind). Before you know it they’ll have separate bathrooms for smokers and non-smokers and, if history is any indication, they’ll eventually cage us off in a separate portion of the city and deny we ever existed in the first place. Now, some people may think I’m being a little over dramatic, but let me assure you, these are the same people who are trying to get you to stop smoking (Mom, Dad, I’m looking at you). And if you don’t smoke and you don’t care if others smoke, then good for you. Tolerance is an important thing to have as a young person, since, in most every instance, level of tolerance is equivalent to level of commanded respect. So consider my respect commanded, by you. As for the rest of you Cigots, you better watch out, because as soon as the smokers of this fair city overcome their crippling addictions, we’re gonna kick your (collective) ass. Just don’t run too far, please.
- Korki Grienwald
The Red Herring
vol. XIX no. 5
- Digg It!
- Posted on May 14th, 2008
- Articles, Korki Grienwald
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