Government: Lame or Lascivious?
When I announced to my pals that this summer I was going to do my civic duty and collect 12 dollars an hour making photocopies for the Government of Canada, the reception was less than effusive. Most young people head for the hills when they hear the words “due diligence” and “redundancies”. I was warned that The Man would hack into my home PC and extract my Youtube history for careful review - which prompted me to quickly delete the long list of pornography and Al-Khattab videos-and that I would be slowly transformed into a mindless drone. Fortunately, my friends, all of whom spent their summers behind the counter at the corporately anti-corporate American Apparel, were sadly misinformed.
It wasn’t all photocopying. Sometimes they let me staple stuff. Yes, I was forced to confront the government values of transparency and accountability as they fluttered in unimaginative typeface across my screen saver. Yes, I too donned the corporate jumpsuit of business casual. However, those details proved insignificant in the grand scheme of things and despite its projected façade of dedication and staggering lameness, there turned out to be no such thing as boredom in the government.
Work was not the vast wasteland it was made out to be. Sure, there was the odd cactus and the bleached skeletal remains of former bureaucrats lying sprawled across the office floor, but aside from that it was a utopia of curmudgeonly administrative assistants and hung-over twenty somethings. It was a place where employees could greet each other with racial humor and waste hours upon hours on Facebook. In this mythical land you were paid to play pranks on your colleagues and encouraged to work as slowly as possible.
That said, of all the glories of the government, one must not forget the greatest morale building exercise of all: mandatory interpersonal relations, also known as “filing your PNS form in the flesh cabinet” or “sleeping with your coworkers”. From the gay guy in the cubicle next to you bragging about his 3-partner-weekend to “casual” employees bringing new meaning to their designating titles, the government was as endearingly incestuous as that family in the X-files who kept their mother under the bed (don’t act like you don’t know the episode). What I learned this summer was that the government was not the boring prude I once thought it was, but rather that sexy librarian who was just waiting to let down her hair… and skirt.
So stand up and cheer for the office slut in the spiked heels, and raise your glasses to the privacy of the supplies closet. For this is Canada, land of choice and opportunity, where any man, woman or child has the freedom - nay, the right - to inappropriate office sex. Next time you pass a civil servant on the corner don’t yell “PIG” or attempt to trip him before stepping on his face. Show them their due. Wink, elbow them knowingly, or make a lewd hand gesture. These are the guardians of our home and native land, and let me tell you, they get maaaaad tail.
- Jordana Globerman
The Red Herring
Vol. XX no. 0.5
- Digg It!
- Posted on September 17th, 2008
- Articles, Jordana Globerman, Web-only
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