Interviewing a Telemarketer
Who are these people that call during dinnertime? Telemarketers; they are modern bogeymen. Some say that they possess no physical form, but are mere shadows of long forgotten psyches trapped in our telecommunications network. Well, the Red Herring plans to uncover the truth. Follow me into this world of intrigue and phone sex as I attempt to uncover the true nature of telemarketers.
In preparation for this foray into sociology, I sat by my phone for a full two days. I received a total of nine calls: six from my mother, but no telemarketers. Then, late on the eve of the second day, success:
R.H (Red Herring): Hello?
T.M (Telemarketer): Hello.
R.H: Well? What do you want from my life?
T.M: Good day sir, my name is Timothy, and I’m calling on behalf of Anne Legace Dowson and Jack Layton of the NDP. I’d just like to know if we can count on your support in the upcoming election.
R.H: Why, you must be a telemarketer! You know I’ve been sitting here by the phone for two days waiting for your call?
T.M: I see. Well, I’m sorry sir, but you must understand that we call thousands of people everyday.
R.H: Of course, of course you do. Listen, I am a columnist from a local magazine and I would very much like to interview you about your line of work.
T.M: An interview? Sure, I’d love to participate.
R.H: Excellent. First question; you are a human?
T.M: What? Uh, yes, I am a man.
R.H: A human! I knew it all along. Okay, the next question is why? Why do you call people at all hours of the day?
T.M: Well, to garner support for the NDP.
R.H: Those lefty douche bags? My sympathies friend. At the very least you must get paid a lot of money for your services?
T.M: Actually, I’m a volunteer.
R.H: You’ve got to be kidding me.
T.M: No. Now sir, I’d just like to know if we can count on your support in the upcoming election.
R.H: Well truthfully, I don’t vote, because I think democracy is for suckers and because I’m a convicted felon. So sure! Why not? You have my full support.
T.M: Thank you sir, and if you would like to volunteer your time or possibly make a monetary contribution that would also be greatly appreciated.
R.H: You worthless communist. Not even elected and already you’re asking me for money.
T.M: *Click* (dial tone)
R.H: Hello?
And just like that, the telemarketer had disappeared into the night, leaving only a dial tone. I’d hoped for more information, but what I gathered has proved sufficient to dispel a few of the myths regarding telemarketers. For we now know that they are in fact human beings just like you and me. Sit down on the bus or metro, and one could be standing right there in front of you and you wouldn’t even know it. But they are scum. At least a dealer of illicit drugs provides a service to the community. Prostitution may not be a well respected trade but it does have a rich history and it provides sex for the uglies. The best a telemarketer can do is screw you over the phone, and if you’ll askmy ex-girlfriend who lives in China, that’s basically a total wank.
- Ezra Black
The Red Herring
Vol. XX No. 0.5
- Digg It!
- Posted on September 17th, 2008
- Articles, Ezra Black, Web-only
One Response to “Interviewing a Telemarketer”
mcgill admissions, on October 21st, 2008 at 6:29 pm Said:
Mr Black,
you are hereby expelled from this institution effective immediately. Please return your ssmus satchel. It should include the “how to do honest work in college” book, as well as the unused condoms. Report to the loans desk in the library, do not make eye contact with anyone, place your McGill ID in the waste basket and walk away.
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