Ways to Avoid Awful Summer-Related Conversations
1. Get a job at American Apparel. Chances are you’ll become a total douche bag and none of your friends will want to see you, let alone talk to you about your lame American Apparel friends.
2. Just keep seeing The Dark Knight over and over and over again. Trust me; no one will want to know how your summer was if all you do is talk about Batman and show everyone your incredibly inept Joker imitation. Why so serious?
3. Get a job at an abortion clinic. That one speaks for itself, making this comment superfluous.
4. Make tasteless reference to Tim McClean’s Greyhound decapitation. Most people will wince in discomfort, and many others will chant “Too soon!” in unison. Either way, they won’t ask you about your summer. And those who do laugh and pat you on the back saying “Good one, Hayden”; those are your real friends and they don’t give a shit about your summer.
5. Travel to Europe. Then come back and brag about how much life experience you gained watching Europeans live their lives.
6. Whenever someone asks your summer was, reintroduce them to to the rules of Doorknob and adamantly enforce them.
7. Don’t do anything all summer.
8. Immediately make reference to the screenplay you have been working on and ask them if they are willing to proofread it.
9. Tell them you were hospitalized after beating off with a belt around your neck.
10. Four words: I’m really into horses!
- James Beveridge and Hayden Simpson
The Red Herring
Vol XX no. 0.5
- Digg It!
- Posted on September 17th, 2008
- Articles, Hayden Simpson, James Beveridge, Web-only
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