(se)X Files
Ladies, you’re in luck: it turns out David Duchovny has a sex addiction.
I know, I didn’t believe it at first either. It was such a pleasant surprise: sort of like unwrapping that oh-so-coveted Hot Wheels fire-truck on Christmas morning, except instead of a vehicle that stops things from burning, it’s more like a horrible addiction that leads to a constant burning…in the crotch.
Maybe we should have seen it coming. The signs were there: episodes 2-9 and 12-18 of the Red Shoe Diaries, and, of course, the alleged gay porn. Perhaps certain more astute critics recognized David Duchovny’s constantly tousled hair as evidence of numerous casual liaisons, but to the rest of us, his many terrible sex-fueled career moves, (*COUGH* Evolution *COUGH*) were merely a sign of Duchovny’s lovable naïveté in regards to the seedy underbelly of Hollywood. Little did we suspect that he was caressing that whorish underbelly all the while.
According to Reuters, Duchovny is breaking new ground with his frankness. Apparently, 3-5 percent of Americans have a sex addiction but are ashamed to admit to it.
“According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms range from rampant promiscuity to spending hours looking at pornography and using sex to escape from problems such as depression or stress.” (Reuters, August 2008)
So to anyone who has ever looked to sex to improve your mood or general outlook, you have a problem. Basically, everybody alive is a sex maniac.
Personally, I have my doubts as to the validity of this whole sex-addiction claim. Isn’t it just a little too coincidental that Duchovny recently finished starring in a show in which he plays a sex fiend? This is, of course, a show where the first episode was titled Vaginatown. I suspect that this carnal catastrophe was all just a clever ploy to vindicate himself of any infidelities, which may have been occurring in his personal life. I can illustrate this to you with a simple exercise in role-playing. No not, Duchovny’s version of role-playing, more a “your-parents-at-the-marriage-councillor” role-playing. I’ll be David’s wife, Téa Leoni, and you be David. Let us try on this scenario for size:
Tea walks in on her husband and an underage/elderly female prostitute/male cowboy engaged in a 2-girls-1-cup-esque sexual atrocity.
Téa: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?!?!
As David Duchovny do you answer:
a) “Well, I’m committing adultery in the most vile, disturbing way possible…”
b) “Oh, God baby I am so sorry, I just can’t help myself! I think I need to see a psychiatrist! I love you, baby, help me through this, never leave me.” Cue quivering lower lip and puppy dog eyes, tousle hair.
David Duchovny is no sex addict: he is just one sly motherfucker.
Finally, I will rest my whole argument on the following incontestable evidence: if Mr. Duchovny’s libido was as out of control as implied, why did it take Fox Mulder and Dana Scully so long to get it on?
- Digg It!
- Posted on October 29th, 2008
- Articles, Jordana Globerman
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