The Red Herring

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I Just Really Don’t Want to be More of a Man Than You

I know a girl that dropped out of McGill because the dudes here just suck. I feel her, mostly because all I want in life is a filthy Irish man with huge arms and a herd of sheep. Either that, or a cowboy named Hal from Montana that has dirty fingers and an [...]

(se)X Files

Ladies, you’re in luck: it turns out David Duchovny has a sex addiction.
I know, I didn’t believe it at first either. It was such a pleasant surprise: sort of like unwrapping that oh-so-coveted Hot Wheels fire-truck on Christmas morning, except instead of a vehicle that stops things from burning, it’s more like a horrible [...]

A Trip Down Memory Lane

This is my first year back at McGill after a leave of absence. I took one year off, which somehow turned into half a decade. Coming back, I was worried I might not find the McGill I remembered. Maybe I wouldn’t feel at home here anymore because the vibe had changed too much, or because [...]

Peta Announces Lawsuit Against King of the Jungle

In a recent announcement made by a spokesperson of PETA, the major animal rights organization has decided to press charges against the king of the jungle, the lion. After a recent personnel change in the front office at PETA, Mr. Brawn, the new president, has decided that their animal rights efforts have not been extended [...]

Agalmatophilia is for Lovers (of Dolls)

I know I’m in desperate need of some sex because lately I’ve been checking out mannequins. The other night I stayed to the bitter end of a house party, not because I was having an absurd amount of fun, but because I was looking for a mate. It didn’t work out, and I ended up [...]

Black Monday

If you’re anything like me (you are), Monday the 29th of September must’ve caught you well on the marsh hog’s side of flabbergastery. I refer, of course, to the Congress of the United States roundly refusing to let Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson shoot gobs of hot, steaming money into the waiting mouth of [...]

A History of Violence

My prostration before the altar of violence started young, very young. Certainly a touch of bloodlust in male youth is not uncommon. But you must understand that I used to lie awake at night, trembling in exaltation. Why? Because the Power Rangers were so fucking awesome. The fervour that gripped me was [...]

The Other End of Onstar

Anybody who knows me (and that’s not a lot of people because I don’t have many friends), knows that there are three things I really hate: One, people; two, talking; and three, talking to people. So it may come as some surprise that for my summer job I elected to apply at, and get, a [...]

How to Get Paid to Nap

During my 3 and a half months working construction, I realized some things about how to slack off effectively. For example, most mornings I would start by contemplating quitting, then first break would roll around and I would stuff my belly with sandwiches and blueberries. After this banquet I would be bloated and narcoleptic, [...]

My Parents Said to Get a Real Job

Pretty much everybody that I have talked to in the last week had the best summer EVER. They learned six languages while volunteering for the UN in Botswana, rescued four hundred prisoners from an Iraqi prison, and ended hunger in the Congo by planting magical fucking beanstalks. Then they flew around the world and [...]

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